This is how you do it
Dragons, those majestic and fearsome creatures of myth and legend, have captivated our imaginations for centuries. From fire-breathing behemoths to mischievous flying companions, dragons have become a symbol of power, adventure, and, well, potential chaos. But fear not! In this whimsical guide, we will delve into the art of dragon training (or rather, the art of not getting roasted alive). Get ready for a humorous journey into the world of these scaly, winged wonders!
- Finding the Perfect Dragon: Step one: Spotting a dragon. Look for telltale signs like scorch marks, missing livestock, or grumpy villagers running for their lives. Once you’ve located a potential dragon lair, approach cautiously. Remember, dragons have a keen sense of smell, so forget about using that garlic-scented cologne.
- Speak Their Language: Dragons may not understand your everyday human language, so it’s time to brush up on your Draconic skills. Don’t worry; we’re not suggesting you become fluent. A few basic phrases like “Don’t eat me, please” and “Can you keep the fire-breathing to a minimum?” should suffice.
- Bribery Goes a Long Way: Dragons have a soft spot for shiny objects. If you want to befriend one, come prepared with a bag of gold coins, gems, or a well-stocked treasure chest. Remember, dragons appreciate a generous gift as much as the next hoarder.
- The Art of Dragon Whispering: Once you’ve established a tentative truce, it’s time to win the dragon’s trust. Practice your soothing voice, offer gentle back rubs (if you dare), and maybe even sing a lullaby or two. It’s like training a giant scaly puppy with the potential to turn you into a pile of ashes. Fun times!
- Mastering Dragon Riding: Dreaming of soaring through the skies on the back of a dragon? Well, buckle up (literally)! Start with a small dragon, preferably one that won’t incinerate you mid-flight. Cling on for dear life, shout a few “Whoa!”s and “Aaah!”s, and hope for the best. Don’t forget your helmet and fireproof underwear.
- Dragon Etiquette: Remember, dragons have feelings too. Be sure to compliment their scales, acknowledge their superior intelligence (even if it’s debatable), and refrain from making any “Your mother was a lizard” jokes. It’s all about keeping the peace, people!
- Fireproofing Your Home: If you decide to invite your dragon friend to crash at your place, take some precautionary measures. Install fire alarms everywhere, invest in a quality fire extinguisher (or a bucket of water if you’re old-fashioned), and say goodbye to any flammable furniture. On the bright side, you won’t need to pay for central heating anymore.
- Dragon-Sized Snacks: Feeding your dragon companion can be a daunting task. Remember, they have a healthy appetite for livestock, so keep a steady supply of cows, sheep, and the occasional unlucky knight on hand. Vegetarians need not apply.
- Documenting Your Dragon Adventures: Finally, don’t forget to document your epic dragon encounters. Take plenty of selfies (if you dare), sketch the dragons in your dragon diary (yes, it’s a thing), and maybe even start a YouTube channel—just be prepared for a massive surge in views and potential lawsuit threats.
And there you have it, a lighthearted guide to training your dragon. Just remember, dragons are unpredictable, and results may vary. So proceed with caution, keep a fire extinguisher handy, and embrace the chaos (or run away screaming). Happy dragon training, brave souls!